The Weekly Twit (#1)

Welcome one and all to my first issue of...

(Overview)

I've come to the realization that through online dating I manage to have "conversations" with many twits. Why is the word "conversations" finding itself with those little bunny ear like quotation marks around them? Oh, you shall see my friends. I've taken the liberty of posting the "conversation" had with an individual from a site I'm on. So, for your enjoyment....

*THE WEEKLY TWIT*

~1st Eddition~

In this issue...

Horrific Emo-Sadness!

Words of Idiocy!

..and so much more!

Twit #1 writes...

Hello there :) how are you doing? oh not accepting anything this short ok umm.. how are you doing?

Response...

...well that's original

Twit...

so how are you doing?

Twit (2min later)...

what is it you want me to say?

Response...

I find it hard to believe someone is actually interested in someone
when they can think of nothing more to say other than "how are you
doing?"

Twit...

i am interested, but its just a way to start things off. you cant think everyone that just says hi is not interested in you, some guys are shy, some dont know what to say. i happen to be both those. so please bare with me. i am interested ro i wouldnt have wanted to say hi to you. you have to start off somewhere. not everyone same sweetie.

(side note) It's NEVER a good idea to use a pet name on someone who doesn't know you. It only sounds demeaning and will piss me off.

Twit (1min later)...

but at least we talking now ;)

Response...

And was that so hard? Honestly I'm not sure if you thought you
were being witty in that first message, but honestly it spoke
more towards being obnoxious. I don't much appreciate someone
taking light of what I requested on my page. It was obviously put
there for a reason and has pretty much been proven, for the most
part, to weed out those intentions aren't what I'm looking for.

In response to your notions of some people being "shy" or "don't
know what to say", I'm big on communication. I can understand
being shy, however, the high point of online dating is that you
can take as much time as you like to write that first message.
Not to mention that there are too many cut-and-paste emails on
here. Writing something specific about what you read in the
profile tells me that (a) You've actually done more than just
look at my photos and (b) Already found something that makes you
think we'd be a match as opposed to just an attempt at getting
laid.

Am I a bit jaded by dating, perhaps, but it only furthers my
reasons for having posted what I did for a reason. Making fun of
that is not just obnoxious, it's insulting.

(side note) This is me attempting to be nice and informative.

Twit...

cool, my name is tom, whats your name?

Twit (1min later)...

you want to get to know someone, ok, ask me things, answer my questions. thats a good way of comunicating.

Response...

I've never stated that I'd care to get to know you. Quite frankly,
at this point, I don't.

Twit...

you should try to, im a nice guy. i like to talk also, that hurt my feelings. im having a bad day. please dont be that way with me, i feel like crying now.

(At this point I was hoping to reference a photo so that you could grasp the emo-ness of the person with whom I was "conversing" with. However, the photos are technically property of the dating site and I have chosen to play nice and not violate their terms. So please, imagine yourself a grown man with emo hair, lightly done eye liner and a shot of him looking sad in a window with his shirt unbuttoned, exposing his ungodly hairy man/boy chest.)

Twit (2min later)...

please, be nice and freindly, its not often someone talks to me. you may not like me, but i still like you. i think you are a good person.

Response...

If people don't often talk to you, maybe you need to take a good,
hard look in the mirror and actually TRY to get it through your
thick skull of what it is you are doing wrong when someone lays it
out on the table for you (as I already have).

Twit...

why? what is wrong with me? mirror? are you saying im ugly? what are you saying?

Twit (>1min later)...

what did i do wrong? try to be nice to you and ask you how are you? what is wrong with that?

At this point I started to almost feel sorry for the guy. Was he truly that ignorant, or a devious attempt to get me to play along? I'll let you be the judge.

The Internet Profile

So I've basically given up on attempting to date in the real world. I'm clueless on where to meet guys other than bars and coffee shops. As appealing as the drunks and hipsters of the world are, I decided that I thoroughly enjoy the convenient combo of the "block" and "delete" buttons that most dating sites provide. Granted I can't find it in me to PAY for a dating site so I've been sticking to your typical trifecta of OkCupid, PlentyofFish and good ol' Craigslist. If it weren't for those three, I probably wouldn't have nearly enough good material to pass on to you my kind reader.

Now, allow me to allow you to encounter my generic profile on said sites...

I'm a mixture of a girly girl and a tom boy. I clean up nice, love a good pair of heels and a cute sundress, but not afraid to get a bit of dirt under my nails. I fix most of the problems my car give me myself. I know how to throw a football, though I don't really like watching football, I prefer hockey. I like beer and whiskey, preferably PBR and Jameson, to any other drink. I have a low brain to mouth filter if there is one at all.

I tend to be more what people call "rockabilly" but don't like putting myself in one specific genre. I mostly listen to country, oldies (60's and pre), some rock/alternative/etc... I have an older style of romance in my veins. I believe chivalry isn't dead, it's in hiding and I'm looking to find it. While I'm perfectly capable of opening my own door, I find it sweet for someone to want to hold it open for you.

And now on a lighter note, some random facts in no particular order:
1. I don't kiss on the first date
2. I have 4 tattoos, all with meaning
3. I know how to knit
4. My dog snores really loud
5. I can't stand people who type in chat speak ("how r u?")
6. I drink my coffee black
7. Has been known to sing along to the juke box playing in the bar without being drunk
8. Enjoys driving and long car rides
9. I have trypanophobia
10. Played roller derby for 3 years

Height: 5'7"

Age:25

Body Type: Average/Athletic

Smoker: No

Drinker: Socially

Kids: No

Want kids: Someday

Car: Yes

Drugs: No

You get the idea...

I also tend to put somewhere in there that I "typically won't respond to cut-and-paste messages or those with little-to-no content".

Yet I still manage to get nothing but the majority of morons who can't get past my photo far enough to read anything. In my later posts, you'll get to experience said "morons" and my attempts at either helping them or merely ripping them of their manhood. I think I'll call these "The Weekly Twit"...

...Stay Tuned

The Beginning

Let's face it ladies...

We all have had our share of bad dates. The ones that don't call, the ones that call too often. Hell, even the ones who end up miraculously showing up at what seems like every single one of your social outings. The boys that drone on and on about their hopes and dreams (or themselves) and the ones that just sit with you in that awkward silence. There are some rather specific breeds out there, but I'll get more into detail with that later on.

So, moving on, let's focus on my next part of this whole thing.

WHAT I WANT!

So here is my Top Ten of the top of my head...

1. Chivalrous

Opening doors, knowing which side of the lady to walk on, etc...

Creativity is key here. Roses are far too cliche. Not that flowers aren't nice, just nicer when there's some thought behind it.

2. Romantic

Enough with the cliche roses! Flowers can be great but learn what flowers it is I actually like! Surprise me with a candlelit home-cooked dinner. A drive to somewhere with a view. Picnic in the park! There are so many "cheesy" things you could do to make me swoon.

3. Employed

You don't have to my 6 figures, but you have to make something! I actually love blue collared boys. Working with your hands is sexy.

4. Mobile

You should be able to come to me. On another note, I love to cruise and just lay my head on a shoulder sitting shotgun.

5. Physical Appearance

Obviously there needs to be some attraction there for it to work. I'm not a vain person and I actually tend to go against the whole "GTL" crap that's so popular thanks to the moronic ways of the Jersey Shore kids.

6. Bedroom Skills

Yes, size matters if you're the size of a mozzarella stick! However, size isn't everything and quite frankly if you can't work it you ought to just work your frank back into your pants.

Must know how to kiss as well. I cannot tell you how disgusting it is to be attacked be someone's tongue or chicken pecked to death.

7. Family Oriented

I'm not looking to get married and have kids overnight, but it is a deal breaker for me. I also just want someone who's close to their family and respects family values.

8. Honesty, Loyalty & Communication

I think these speak for themselves. I'm a big girl, I can take it (whatever "it" is). I tend to be a fairly blunt person and expect the same courtesy.

9. Caring & Open-minded

Another simple one. Someone who actually gives a darn about the well being of others. Who's open-minded to the world and the various views in it. Not saying you can't have specific views and beliefs, but you need to be respectful of others and theirs.

10. Passionate

Everyone needs to have something they're passionate about. It makes life have meaning.

It's really fairly simple. Behind my outgoing and, yes, sometimes obnoxious personality there's a very simple gal wanting a very simple life. A chivalrous man with a heart of gold and romantic ways. Okay, okay... I know it's laughable, but why? Has all male dignity and common sense left with last nights romp with the lotion and box of tissue? It seems in this day and age my list is just too much for any one man to handle.

Which leads to my dilemma.

I'm unlucky in love. Maybe I ask for too much, or I'm not willing to settle. Damn RIGHT I'm not willing to settle! Maybe as you get to know me and my tales of romance gone wrong, you'll start to understand why it is I'm still single. Is there not a single guy out there with the attributes I require? If you find him ladies, please, send him my way.

Well,

Let my tales of Terribelle Dates begin...